Starcrash

Brady Orme

at 8:48 am

This movie’s genesis can be described in one sentence… “Star Wars” came out and it spawned a legion of bastard children. And “Starcrash” was the runt of the litter. Ha, “Battle Beyond The Stars” and “Battlestar Galactica; The Kitsch Years” are therefore better, and that can make a puppy cry. Why did you make the puppy cry, film?

Things you need to know about this film before you spend a tenner on it instead of on a new bucket or something :

1.) David Hasslehoff is in this movie. The Hoff. This was in his early acting days, and therefore without any experience on how to play the acting game he allows the makeup person to put mascara on him. This is by no means a good idea and he’s the Crown Prince of the Universe apparently. Crown Princess more like. (Name’s Simon).

2.) The spaceships appear to have screen windows in them. / Space appears to be the equivalent of a child on ritalin waving a torch through a colander.

3.) Dialogue consists of nuggets like :

ZARTHAM : “Now, set the doom machine against the imperial station itself. How long will it take?”

SOLDIER : “Fifteen minutes.”

ZARTHAM : “Then set it in motion. I want to wipe out the emperor from the whole of the universe!”

4.) And so on ad nauseum.

Look, you can set this film in the “so-bad-it’s-good” subset, guilty pleasure and all that. Just don’t play it straight, don’t expect a science-fiction juggernaut like “Star Trek : Nemesis” or, erm, “Battle Beyond The Stars”. Just take it for what it is, a drek sandwich, and you’ll be fine. Nothing to see here, move on.

Rating: 1 / 5